[This is Part 2 of Love Will Lead You Back. You might want to read that first.]
I watched Gamon watch Heart and Charlie leaving. I saw Heart turn to give us one final wave before turning back to Charlie and disappearing from our view.
When you know someone really well, you notice the slightest changes in them.
And Gamon? I have known him my whole life.
I’ve known Gamon all my life. I wish I meant that figuratively, but I actually meant it literally. Our parents are neighbors, and our mothers are best friends. They do everything together. Everything. They even went into labor together. And so, Gamon was born just 19 minutes before me. It was the most peaceful 19 minutes of his life, he always claims.
Gamon and I grew up together. We learned to walk together; celebrated our birthdays together; went to school together. We even got into fights together. Or rather, I get into fights and he got dragged into them by always trying to stop me. The point is, we’re each other’s constant.
And sometimes, when something is constant, we take them for granted. Like that constant we always forget at the end of an integration problem in Calculus. Gamon had never been good at Math, and that is a mistake he always makes. But me? I have never in my life made that mistake.
My dad is an American who settled here in Thailand. In the Christmas of 2006, one of my cousins visiting from the States gave me an album by Taylor Swift. One of the songs is called Mary’s Song. The first time I heard it, I imagined that it was about Gamon and I. It’s about two childhood friends who grew up to marry each other. That’s when I realized that I like him. From that moment, I’ve imagined him falling in love with me, and eventually asking me to marry him. It never happened.
In 2007, Gamon went to the Philippines. That was when I noticed the first change in him. When he came back he smiled more, interacted with others more, and was generally happier. I attributed it to the things he learned from the conference, since he was more passionate about abolishing the death penalty then too. Until he got the first email from Heart.
“Mary! I have an email.”
“That’s not newsworthy to me, Gamon. I receive my fair share of emails too.”
“It’s not just any email. It’s from Heart.”
“The girl you met at the conference?”
“Exactly!”
That was when I noticed another change. There was a rekindling of hope in his heart, having reconnected with Heart. That was when I realized that his new-found gusto wasn’t just because of the conference. It was specifically because of a girl. He never admitted it to me, but I knew he was in love with her. It broke my heart, but I was happy for him when he got back all changed. And I remained happy for him, even after I learned that the reason for his happiness meant that I couldn’t be it.
Through the years I noticed more changes, and most of them coincide with whether Heart has a boyfriend back in the Philippines or not. For 8 years I watched Gamon love a girl from afar, loving him from afar myself. Until he had to take a 3-year mission. For the first time in 8 years I don’t have to watch him love Heart. For the first time in my life I don’t have him to live around. That 3 years changed me, changed him, and changed us, too.
The day after I drove Gamon to the airport, I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was a Sunday, which meant I didn’t have any work, which meant I would have spent the day with him if he was there. But he wasn’t. So I cleaned the house instead.
One Friday night, one of my girl friends dragged me to a bar. I’ve been to many bars many times before, but that was the first time I went to a bar and there was no Gamon texting me to remind me to watch my drink, and to tell me to text him if I have trouble getting home. I didn’t even look at my phone once! I guess that made all the difference.
It was that night that I met Nat.
He’s charming and respectful. I didn’t want to give him my number when he asked, but my friends went and gave it to him anyway. The next morning, I received a text from him. “I hope you got home alright last night. -Nat” was all he said. I replied, and we haven’t stopped talking ever since.
I have loved Gamon for as long as I can remember, but I’ve loved him like the stars that shine in the sky. He’s faraway from me, a dream a thousand light years away, in love as he is with Heart. When I fell in love with Nat, it was different. It was like loving the ocean. At first I tried to pull back, but ended up coming back to him, again and again. In the beginning, it felt like how the waves kiss the shore. But when I finally dove into it, I was enveloped, soaked to the bones. And I was happy. I never thirst for his love, for it is ever-flowing.
Three years down the road and I’m still living in that ocean dream.
Nat’s hand touching my shoulder brought me out of my reverie.
“Let’s go and drive Gamon home,” he said.
“Actually,” I started, hesitating. “I was wondering if you’ll drop me off at his place with him. We have a lot of catching up to do.” I said my words slowly, testing if he’ll give his permission.
“Sure, Babe,” Nat replied. I think even he knows that Gamon is in love with Heart. He’s been with us a lot the past week after all, touring Heart and Charlie around Thailand.
Once Nat dropped us off, Gamon and I were alone for the first time since he got back.
“Breakfast?” Gamon offered.
“Sure, but you cook.”
“Sure, but you eat whatever I cook.”
“Sure, so long as it’s edible and I won’t die.” We burst out laughing at that.
Back when Gamon first started getting into cooking, I was the fortunate—or sometimes unfortunate—person who got to try his dish first. At the beginning a lot of it wasn’t edible. So, this conversation sort of became a ritual, where I tell him I’ll only eat his food if it’s edible and won’t kill me.
Watching Gamon busy himself around his kitchen, I noticed that something changed in him. It’s subtle, and I’m almost sure I’m the only one who noticed. But he looks more peaceful now. Like these past years he was carrying a burden and it’s only now that he’s able to finally put it down. The longing is gone from his face too, which is the first time in 11 years. I’m happy for him.
Gamon placed a big plate in front of me, piled with pancakes, sausage, bacon, and scrambled eggs accompanied by a bottle of maple syrup. Everything is exactly how I want it, exactly how my Dad used to make it. My Dad had acclimated well to the culture in Thailand, but American breakfast is the one thing he never stopped craving for. So, we would have pancakes or waffles, sausages, bacon, and eggs for breakfast on Sundays; no rice allowed.
“Hmmmmm, I missed this.” I inhaled the plate deeply.
“You miss pancakes? If you miss it then just cook some. It’s easy.”
“I can cook pancake, ugh! Why do you always look down on my cooking skill and assume I can’t cook something?” I complained. “But Nat doesn’t like it when I eat these. He says they’re not good for my health,” I replied seriously to his teasing, drowning my pancakes in maple syrup.
“So, Nat says you can’t eat these so you don’t? Not even when he’s not around?”
“I don’t. Not until now,” I replied, my mouth biting into a crispy bacon. “Hmmmmm, so good!”
“Wow. He’s really got control over you. Don’t tell me the reason why I haven’t seen you in shorts since I got back is because he hates it too. I remember you used to wear nothing but shorts.”
“He likes it when I dress professionally, that’s all. I’m a professor now, after all. Finally got my PhD while you were away.”
Gamon shook his head at me, but let it go and simply teased me again. “Yes, Professor Mary. Teach my kids Math, will you? I’m sure they’ll be super bad at it like I am.”
“Get yourself a wife first before contracting me to tutor your kids. And get a wife who knows Math!”
We reminisced about the times when we were still classmates and I always had to tutor him in Math. How far we’d both come from it. Gamon was my first student, and it was the fulfillment I felt every time he passed an exam we didn’t think he’d survive that first got me interested in pursuing a career in teaching. We spent the day catching up. Being with Gamon after all these years is as easy and natural as when we were kids. It’s as if only 19 minutes set us apart, and not 3 years. Sharing stories both from our time apart and from our time together, I realized how much I missed him. And how much I missed myself too; the me who was reckless; the me before Gamon left 3 years ago; the me before I met Nat. Life was more of an adventure then, much more exciting and less like a chore.
Gamon prepared healthy dishes for Nat for dinner, since he’s picking me up. That dinner simply amplified the wide gap between the two men in my life. Dinner with Nat was silent, formal. There’s no teasing or playing with the food. I washed the dishes afterward, since Gamon cooked and Nat wouldn’t help. After that, Nat drove me home.
Everything in my life went back to normal after that week with Heart and Charlie. Or as normal as it can go back to, seeing as what was normal with my life with Gamon is very different from my normal life with Nat. Until one day a year later, when Gamon asked me to be his date to a formal event he has to attend for work.
“You’ll have to find someone else, because I doubt Nat will let me go,” was my reply.
“Do you really need permission from Nat?”
“Absolutely. I won’t go otherwise.”
“Come on! The event is later already. I won’t be asking you if I found someone else. Besides, it’s Saturday and Nat’s busy working. I’m sure he won’t mind if you come with me tonight. Give him a call.”
Reluctantly, and without much hope, I called Nat. To my surprise, and glee, Nat let me go with Gamon.
From the moment I stepped off the car, I sensed that something was up. There were petals everywhere; by the driveway and up the stairs. Coral roses, my favorite, and not white or red roses. People don’t usually use coral rose petals. When we entered the hall, Taylor Swift’s Mary’s Song was being played by a string quartet. The ceiling was filled with stars, the constellations clearly visible among them. I was mesmerized by the makeshift night sky. I didn’t notice that Gamon had left my side. There’s no lyrics since it’s all music, but I’m singing the song in my head.
~A few years had gone and come around~
A spotlight turned on and a few feet from me stood Nat. He slowly walked towards me, followed by his spotlight.
~We were sittin’ at our favorite spot in town~
He’s right in front of me.
~And you looked at me, got down on one knee~
Nat pulled out a ring and knelt down in front of me.
“Mary, will you marry me?” He finally asked the question.
I was overjoyed. Everything is my dream proposal. The coral roses, the string quartet playing Taylor Swift, the stars. Someone very close to me had a hand in all of these, and I am brimming with joy that Nat went to such great lengths to prepare all of these.
“YES!” I replied. With that, all the lights went on and I saw that we were surrounded by family and friends. I looked for Gamon, who was obviously a conspirator, and saw him behind me by the lights. He’s all smiles, clapping and congratulating us with the rest, but there’s a shift in his aura that even I couldn’t understand. But since this is Nat and I’s moment, I didn’t think too much of it. I’m getting married!
The wedding planning took me by the storm. There were so many things to take care of: invitations, my gown, the Church, the food. It was overwhelming. Nat couldn’t even accompany me to most of them, so I took Gamon instead. He was the first person to ever see me in my wedding gown.
“What do you think?” I asked him, turning slowly in front of him. Gamon simply stared at me, not answering.
“Hey, is something up?” I asked him, worried.
“W-what? No! Nothing,” he finally recovered himself. “It’s just that you look beautiful in your gown. I’m sure Nat will be floored,” he replied, forcing a smile.
I noticed that look in his face again, the one which I first saw at my engagement party. I still couldn’t place it. I’m sure that he’s hiding something from me. Gamon had always been aloft, but he would always come to me when he’s ready to share his burden. Except when it’s about a girl. He was never really upfront with me about Heart.
I looked at Gamon as I remember Heart, trying to match the Gamon in front of me right now to the Gamon who I saw in front of Heart.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Gamon interrupted my thoughts. I have been staring at him too intently.
“I think I finally got it. There’s a girl. You’re in love right now. I’m correct, am I not?” I guessed.
Gamon’s cheeks blushed, and he refused to meet my eyes.
“Aha! I’m right. So, who’s the lucky girl?”
“It’s not that. I’m just thinking about my upcoming mission, that’s all,” he said, clearly intentionally stirring the conversation away from the girl in his mind. But it worked, because the news of his upcoming departure surprised me.
“Another mission? For how long this time?”
“3 years.”
“That’s too long. Your last mission ended just a year ago.”
“I know.”
“You sure this suddenly going off to another 3-year mission isn’t connected to a girl at all?” I asked, sensing that he’s not telling me something.
“Come on, Mary. Don’t push it. You’re the one who’s getting married. Let’s not talk about me,” he insisted, clearly indicating that he doesn’t like where the conversation is going. I stopped pushing him. He’ll tell me when he’s ready. Or not.
That night, Nat’s parents requested that we have dinner with them. There’s a 3rd person in the table with them when we arrived.
“You must be wondering why we called you,” Nat’s Dad started, beaming.
“This is Bank, he’s a real estate agent,” Nat’s Mom introduced us to the man sitting with them.
“For your upcoming wedding, your Mom and I decided to gift you a house, where you can start your own family.”
I was shocked. A house!
“Bank is here to sign the house over to you.”
“Dad, Mom, thank you very much! We are very grateful!” I finally recovered myself.
We ate dinner then, and afterwards we went over pictures and the contract.
“How do you like it so far, Mary?” Nat’s Mom asked me.
“It’s beautiful! We couldn’t thank you enough. It’s a bit far from the University, but I’ll manage,” I replied with a huge smile.
“Of course, you’ll manage. You’re quitting that teaching job of yours once we’re married. You won’t have to go the University anymore,” Nat interjected.
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“Mary, once we’re married, I want you to focus on our family. So of course, I won’t let you continue teaching at the University.”
“I finally have a PhD in Mathematics. I’m finally a professor at the University. I finally have my dream. I worked hard to get to where I am right now. And you’re telling me to just give it all up?”
“I only allowed you to pursue your PhD so you can have something in your name. But now that you’re marrying me, you won’t need it anymore.” Nat’s tone was dismissive.
“‘Allowed’ me? I didn’t need your permission to get to where I am right now. And I don’t need your permission to continue teaching.”
“Non-sense, Mary!” Nat was getting angry.
“I’m sorry. I think we have a bit of a misunderstanding here. Please excuse me.” I addressed Nat’s parents and Bank and stood up from the table.
“Mary, if you leave now there will be no more wedding!” Nat warned me.
“Are you even going to consider that I want to continue teaching?”
“No. You’re not teaching anymore, and that’s final!”
I picked up my purse and left. Nat didn’t even follow me out. Since I came here with Nat, I have no ride home. I called Gamon.
“Gamon.”
“Mary, are you ok?” Gamon was worried at the obvious distress in my voice.
“Gamon, I think I just broke my engagement.” My voice started trembling.
“What?! Where are you? I’ll go to you.”
Within the next ten minutes, Gamon’s car stopped in front of me. He got out and went to where I’m slumped on a bench, and hugged me. I burst out crying then.
“I could take the way he controlled everything in my life, but I will never let him take away my dream,” I sobbed into Gamon’s shoulders.
“Tell me what happened,” he coaxed, so I told him. After I finished the story, we were both silent for a minute. Then I finally got it.
“I realize he never respected me at all. Not as a person, anyway. He just saw me as a potential wife, someone to manage his house, nothing more. I spent my whole life chasing that dream, and now that I’m a professor at the University, he’s telling me I have to stay home and do nothing else but take care of our family. How can he say that to his future wife? How can he force me to give up everything I have ever worked hard for?”
“There, there. You don’t have to let go of teaching. It was your first love, even before you met Nat and fell in love with him. You can move forward without him,” Gamon consoled me. He led me to the car after and brought me home.
That night, I lay awake in bed thinking of Nat. I loved Nat like the ocean; I jumped in and dove deep. I dove in even when I didn’t know if I could swim, trusting him to keep me afloat. And he kept me afloat. Maybe that’s the problem. He never let me swim by myself. And now that he’s taken away the thing that’s keeping me from sinking, I’m hopelessly drowning. The weight of the ocean suffocating.
Nat never called me again after that night. He simply called off the wedding, telling his family and friends that he cannot marry a woman who cannot give up her career to raise a family. As for my family and friends, they looked more relieved than devastated when they heard the news.
“I don’t know what you saw in that man!”
“You were never yourself when you’re around him.”
“I only attended your engagement because I was sure you were gonna say no.”
“He’s too uptight and controlling.”
“He wouldn’t even let you eat your Dad’s favorite breakfast.”
All of them had only bad things to say about Nat. Even six months later, whenever the topic is brought up again.
“I thought he cared about me,” was all I can say. “He even bothered himself during the proposal.”
“Bothered himself? He didn’t bother himself at all!” My Mom couldn’t believe that I’m still defending Nat. “Nat didn’t even want to concern himself with any of the details. It was Gamon who prepared all of that, even as far as when Nat was supposed to kneel. Gamon knew what you wanted and he made sure you’ll have that,” my Mom told me.
I was surprised. I knew that Gamon had a hand in Nat’s proposal, but not to this extent! I tried to remember the look on his face when I saw him when the lights turned on after I said “Yes” to Nat. Then I remembered another time when I saw a similar expression on his face. It was at the airport almost two years ago, when I watched him watch Heart leave with Charlie. When he finally let her go.
I felt my heart skip a beat. What could it possibly mean? Could it mean what I think it means, after all these years?
*Gamon*
I sat staring at the mission details on the paper I’m holding. Another 3-year mission. When I received the assignment, I was sure I was going. I had to go. It was the night before I accompanied Mary to try on her wedding dress. My heart was breaking watching her be so beautiful in her wedding dress, knowing that she wasn’t marrying me.
I prepared everything according to what I know Mary wants for the proposal. I thought I was doing it as her best friend, because I wanted her to be the happiest girl. But when she said yes, and I had to flip on the light switch, I felt like something flipped inside of me instead. My world felt like it’s crashing down on me, like the air is being sucked out of my lungs, like I’m being stabbed repeatedly in my heart.
I couldn’t believe I let Mary get engaged to someone else. That should have been me! I realized it at that moment, the moment I truly lost her, that I love her. Not just as the best friend she grew up with. That I am in love with her. The realization kept on hitting me as I watch her in the arms of another man, happy.
I was happy for her, even as my heart was breaking into a million pieces.
Then Nat called off the wedding. I watched her break her engagement, lose the man she loves; but I wasn’t happy. She was devastated, and I was useless. I couldn’t help her or do anything except be there for her. But now I’m sitting here holding the final details of my mission. I’m supposed to leave next week.
The doorbell rang.
“Mary!” I blurted out, surprised. I didn’t realize she was home with her Mom. I thought she was in her apartment near the University.
I was just thinking about her, then here she is, like a dream that materialized in front of me.
“What does it mean?” She asked me, barging inside my house like she owns the place.
“What do you mean?” I asked her, confused, following her into the living room.
She saw the paper with the mission details on the table and picked it up.
“You’re leaving next week?” She looked shocked, confused.
“I—”
“I guess I’m wrong.” She said, sounding defeated, and made to walk out the door.
“Hey, wait! What do you mean? I don’t get why you’re acting this way.” I ran to stop her, standing in front of the door.
She stared at me for a long time, silent, contemplating whether to tell me what’s on her mind or not. I’ve known this girl my whole life, but even after 33 years I can never read her mind.
She finally walked back to the living room and sat on the sofa.
“I just heard from my Mom that you arranged everything for Nat’s proposal,” she started.
“Oh,” I sighed. “She wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”
“That’s what I don’t get! Why? Why wasn’t I supposed to know?”
“I—” I stopped. I didn’t know what to say.
“It’s a simple question, Gamon.” She said. After the pause got too long to be comfortable, she stood up again and made for the door. I’m still at a lost for words. Am I really gonna let her go? Again?
She picked up the paper she dropped on the way to the door.
“Here, this paper is important. You need this for next week.” She handed me the paper. I didn’t take it.
“It’s not important. I won’t need it next week.” I finally said, barely audible.
“What did you say?”
“I said I won’t need it next week.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not leaving.”
“You’re not leaving?”
“No. I’m not leaving anymore,” I finally found the courage to say what’s in my heart. “Last time I left for a 3-year mission, you met a man and got yourself engaged.” I finally said, watching her face closely.
She stared at me, processing what I just said.
“Are you in love with me, too?” She asked, finally, almost a whisper.
It’s my turn to look confused.
“What did you say?” I asked, not trusting my ears, not letting myself get my hopes up in case I heard wrong.
“I said, are you in love with me, too?” She said slowly, clearly, staring straight into my eyes.
“You’re in love with me too?” I asked her, still unbelieving.
“I was seven, and you were nine / I looked at you like the stars that shined / In the sky, the pretty lights,” Mary started singing, reminding me of that song about childhood friends turned lovers.
“That’s Mary’s Song!” I said, finally realizing. She’s been hinting at it this whole time! She’s in love with me. I couldn’t believe it!
“Yes, you idiot! You played my song for you during my engagement with another man. You got everything right about my dream proposal, except for the man,” she said, amused.
“Come here,” I told her, extending my arms towards her. She came to me, and I hugged her tightly. I’m never letting her go anymore. Not ever.
“I don’t know if I’ve loved you since we were seven, but I’ve loved you for a long time, Idiot!” She said.
“I only realized I love you recently, but I’ll love you till we’re 89. And beyond.”
Then I kissed her, and everything was finally all right.
EPILOGUE
I have loved Gamon like the stars that shine in the sky. There was a time in my life when everything was cloudy, blotting out the sky, with not a single star in sight. But the stars never disappear, not really. They are always there; even when the sun’s light prevents them from shining, even when dark clouds hide them from sight. That was how I loved Gamon. How I love Gamon.
“Ma, I’m done.” Daw called to me, snapping me from my reverie.
“Let me check your work.”
“Ma, why do I need to answer these Math worksheets? My classmates don’t have to do them. My teachers say these are not for 10-year-olds.”
“My little star, it’s because I promised your Pa I will teach his kid Math.” I explained, smiling at the memory.
“And I promised your Ma I will get myself a wife who knows Math.” Gamon said, embracing me from behind.
“Yes, you did.” I said.
Outside, the stars are just starting to become visible.
~END~
[Photo Credit: photo by Jason E. Jenkins]
For anyone who missed it, “Daw” is a Thai word for “star”. I’m sorry in advance if there are any inconsistencies with Thai culture in this story. When I wrote Love Will Lead You Back, I did not intend to write a second part, especially not one set in a country I’ve never been to. Going to Thailand is a dream I have yet to realize.
I started writing this story more than a year ago, right after I posted Love Will Lead You Back. When I started writing that first story, I didn’t intend to break Gamon’s heart. But the story developed the way it did, and I’ve felt guilty for Gamon ever since. So, I started writing this story, dead intent on giving Gamon his happily ever after. From the beginning I knew I was going to marry him off to a childhood friend, I just didn’t know how. A year later, and here we are. I needed 4 exam seasons to get this done, LOL. Hope you enjoyed it.
Here‘s the link to the song, in case anyone’s wondering.
princesscavid 
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